Hi everyone, this the first time I've ever written anything from the heart. Constructive feed back is appreciated!
We've been friends for as long a I can remember. I mean, we've been friends for about 6 years or so at the time of this writing, yet it feels like a lifetime. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way about someone they view as their best friend. Someone they audibly call their sister, even though their true feelings conflict that title. You want Her to be safe; you want what's best for Her; you want Her to be happy, no matter what that may mean for you. Even if it meant sacrificing your friendship altogether. "Why, then, does it feel like the darkest parts of hell are churning about in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about her with someone else? Why does it feel like someone punched me in the gut, groin, and throat all at once whenever the thought of someone else sweeping her off her feet crosses my mind? Why is that even though she just broke up with a man I call my brother...I'm willing to breaking my one rule: Never date your best friend's ex...not even her. Why is it that death seems to be the only cure for such a pain?"
You've been friends for 6 years, yet you feel you've known her for a hundred years; you've painted a picture of a life in you head filled with enough memories to paint the Grand Canyon. You've imagined children with her, grandchildren, family vacations, picnics; you can see the living room doused in heavenly golden light from the shining sun outside, reflecting off of Her blond hair; the kids are playing with their toys and laughing...she is laughing too. It's the most beautiful sound you've ever heard. She is laughing with your kids, dancing about the room; the family dog is barking along, his tail wagging so hard it almost takes one of them out; the smell of the room is like fresh spring or fall, almost a mixture of the two; the birds are chirping and the peaceful roar of the lawnmowers cutting the lawns can be heard throughout the neighborhood...everything is bliss. You hear the baby crying in the other room. Your love begins to walk toward his room when you stop Her. "I'll get him," you say. She gives you the smile you fell in love with and you feel a warmth that cannot be compared to by anything else in this world. It's a perfect life.
The room darkens; suddenly it's like a horrible storm has brewed outside; the laughter of your children have silenced; the baby's crying echoes into oblivion before audibly disappearing; the dog is no longer in the room; the smile is wiped completely from Her face. You look around you and realize you're awakening from this Daydream, and reality is sinking in; you're anxiety is taking over.
"She will never love me," you tell yourself. "If I profess my love to Her, She will reject me. She will never speak to me again. The man I call my brother will come to detest me. The one I love...She will disappear from my life forever, which is far more unbearable than keeping these feelings to myself."
But you don't want that, do you? You want the Daydream to become a reality. You want to take Her in your arms. You want to love her, hold her, protect her, care for her, to father her children... And you want her to be happy above all. What must you do then? Let her go?
"No, I couldn't. I would rather die."
Confess your adoration for her?
"No, I couldn't. She will reject me and I will never see her again."
Then what shall you do?
"...I don't know..."